Her

Fly by the seat, adventurous. Dreaming and goal setting, driven and accomplished. Outgoing and down to earth, striking up conversation with everyone. Liked and loved by family, friends, co-workers, new comers, old comers, kids, and adults. Community builder, long lasting friendships. Pretty hair, pretty skin. Coffee lover. Dancer. Writer. Organized. Baker. Cook. Gardener. Youthful beauty. Confident. Confidant. Trustworthy. Transparent. Motherly, nurturing, guiding. Womanly, becoming. Fashionable, tasteful, modest. Healthy. Fruitful. Lovely. Well-spoken. Holding on to the Truth. Holding on to promises. Moving in grace and sharing His grace and mercy. Fearless even when fearful or nervous. World Class traveler. Following in His footsteps. Connected to the vine. Provision in the need. Strength in the weakness. Favor with man and favor with God. Power in the prayers. Heart and song like David's. Worship like Mary of Bethany. Faith like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Leadership like Moses and Deborah. Courage like Esther. Encouragement like Barnabas. Correction and discernment like Paul. Humility and joy in the midst of the suffering like Jesus. Holy as He is holy. Imperfect yet perfect as He is perfect because of His Spirit.

Would you just stop being so wonderful for one second?! Go ahead and live in my dreams too while you're at it! 

She is the person I know I have always wanted to be but could never seem to be. Her.

One of the quotes I coined and motto's I strived to live by growing up was, "If you ever dream to be someone, dream to be yourself, even if that makes you a weirdo." Why? Because being yourself is the hardest person to be. It is the road less traveled, less desired, because it is molding, changing, unique and inescapable. Unfortunately, I veered off the "being myself" trail, afraid to charter new ground. Let's face it: being myself feels lonely, out of date, mistaken, misunderstood, misread, missed altogether, left behind, overlooked, unheard, forgotten, broken, imperfect, incapable, just simply unfathomable. Who am I really anyways? Instead, I have desired to follow other people's paths, as if I could actually wear their shoes while the person is still wearing them. It's interesting that while others have struggled with this, I have never wanted to be a movie star, catalog or runway model, or some other celebrity. That seemed too far fetched to me. I've only ever wanted to be friends of mine. So, up above I'm not describing a profile of myself. That wasn't someone's expose of their perspective of me. This was my view of women I know near and dear to me. Does that make it any better? Maybe it is because I have gotten to know them and have seen true beauty in them through those relationships. I've seen treasure in their earthen vessels. But then at times it makes me feel like a bad person or friend.

From Permission is Granted to do Church Differently in the 21st Century by Graham Cooke and Gary Goodell:

"Through the prophetic side of my ministry, I have had hundreds of contact with people who were very negative toward me because they were under the illusion that I could see right through them. Actually, I prefer to see the good in people. No one can hide his or her rubbish for too long though; truth will always come out. A prophet looks for the treasure in the earthen vessel and brings it to the surface. We are on a treasure hunt, seeing people with the eyes of the Lord Jesus--the kindest person I have ever known. God always speaks to our potential..." (33)

God has given other people eyes to see treasure within me, speaking words like "faithful" or "heart of gold." Though God has given me eyes to see people at times, why has it been such a struggle for me to see the treasure within THIS earthen vessel? Am I just simply covering my eyes with a bandana thinking I'll be able to see the light through old, dark understanding?

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us." (2 Corinthians 4:6-7)

Whether a celebrity or a friend, they are all men and women, and the principle and outcome are the same. This is what I have learned: Jealousy is an ugly state of being that has left me at times blind, empty, dry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, rough, gruff, ugly, disheartened, disillusioned, and dismayed. Who wants to settle for that? Ugh! Not me, but it has been a reality for me at times in the way I've thought, felt and believed. I'm not talking about years ago. I'm talking about last week! So, all of this is me processing through that. It robs me/you of the true joy of life; a life that no one else can live because He gave it to me/you as a gift. True joy in life is trust and contentment in an everlasting, Creator and Redeemer God. He loved me more than enough to die and raise, and has even shone His light in my heart. He thought it important and worth it enough to have me be a part of His family. The only thing that makes anyone anything special is Him and Him alone, otherwise we're nothing. So if He is in them and also in me, how can I so willingly accept His righteousness in them and not myself? Will He see it any differently? I know I won't struggle with this forever even if in the moment, it feels that way. But, no matter how long it takes me to "get it," may I continue to lay down my jealousies and envy, repent and be cleansed by His truth, confess and ask for prayer and help, and let my hope continue to rest in Him.

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. (1 John 3:2-3)