Negative: One Little Line Makes All the Difference

Love and anticipation. Could it be? I don't think so, but maybe it is. Or maybe I'm just overly excited. Feeling my belly. Watching to see any involuntary or out of the ordinary movements. Feeling for body activity. Why keep looking and not knowing? What's the harm in checking into it? 

Time to head to the store. Only a $30 product available. I just want to stick a stick in my pee, and I do not intend on paying $30 for that. Thank goodness for a Dollar Store next door--buy 3 tests because why not? It's the Dollar Store. 

Should I wait to open it? Am I just being silly about all this? I'm probably not pregnant. The package says morning is the best time, and it's night time now. Oh goodness just get the cup already!

Got the cup. Just like a doctor's office, although more homey and less awkward since I'm not wearing a frontal opening patient gown. Squeezed a few drops in the reservoir... The oval section filled up with color and then faded... That's all she wrote... One little pink bar. 

Let me interpret for you: One bar = Negative = not pregnant

The test was negative. That one little line makes all the difference. Negative experience, though? Nope, not at all. Not this time around. I'm totally looking forward to having our first baby and just enjoying the journey. Trusting in the Lord for His timing. We're actively pursuing having children, but not getting into all that ovulation testing, family planning, temperature checking stuff. If you choose to do so, that is totally okay. It's just not something we're choosing to do.

If you find yourself with the same "silly" excitement and desires, GOOD! That's okay! You're not dumb or wasting your time. Don't waste your whole paycheck on ovulation checks or pregnancy tests, but you could spare a few bucks to take a looksie or even learn how to use one if it's your first time. One day, you or I may just see two little lines showing on that thing... And the whole world will know. Haha. At least for me since I won't be able to keep that one to myself.

If you find yourself anxious, nervous, scared, unsure... You're not alone in that either. I've felt those same feelings in this same journey. You're not a bad mother or mother-to-be for having had those thoughts. You're a human being. You have thoughts, feelings, emotions, past hurts, struggles, misunderstandings, ignorance, expectations, and so much more. You'll work through them all one at a time. Give yourself time.

Until the next pregnancy test outcome... I shall just continue to pray, read, wonder, ponder, and admire our Creator and look forward to who He will be creating from Frank and I someday on the inside of me. Thankfully, we already get to enjoy Christ in us, the hope of glory, every day. The Holy Spirit doesn't really mess with my uterus, though, haha, or have weird, quirky kicks that make your belly stick out, and I'm looking forward to those things too. :-)

I am who I am

"I am who I am because You are who You are.

You are who you are because I am who I am."

I wanted to share what I recently received from the Lord about prayer song above a sister in Christ sang over me when we were all together hanging out and praying: The light bulb went off the other night as I’ve been diving deeper into law vs. grace. I had heard someone say in regards to the works to salvation mindset basically is: “I am what I do.” 

But that’s not what or who I am. 

I am the song the Lord gave this woman to sing over me with the first part being what I would say to God (I am who I am because You are who You are), and the 2nd part is what God says to me (You are who you are because I am who I am). It’s beautiful! I’m learning to rest in grace, and I’m looking forward to diving deeper into Him to see and hear and live Christ in me the hope of glory rather than my works and failures that keep me in condemnation.

Because of His great love toward man... Because of His desire for friendship and relationship... Because His longing for oneness and unity in Him once again... That is why I am here and what makes me who I am. He made a way for me and all who choose daily to rest in His finished work.

Love you, Lord.

Little White Lie

Temptation. Struggle. Entrapment. Caught up in a net. Hit and sunk. 

Today was one of those days. It was only a "little white lie" and I felt sick over it. Lately, I've been forgetting my keys for work. It happened when I put the keys in a coat pocket, but then didn't wear that same coat the next day. Then I'd put them on a key ring but didn't take that same car. Next I put them in a purse but didn't take that same purse. Then I took them off the key ring for fear of leaving or losing it somewhere outside of home or work and simply forgot to take it off the kay holder in the morning. Now I feel like it's almost happening weekly. Unfortunately, at my work, you need a key for everything--get in, get out, each building, mailroom, etc. Today was another day that I forgot my set of work keys on the key holder. Every time I'm rushing and don't remember until I'm halfway or even in the parking lot. 

How was I going to get this set of keys without enduring embarrassment or lying? I was already embarrassed just knowing I had forgotten them again without even telling anyone. Now I was fighting the all too familiar urge to fudge the truth a even a little bit just to take the edge off. I thought I was done with this "fix."

I went to my supervisor as asked for a spare set of keys... because... my keys were sticking in the doors. She chuckled and commented on the key issues I've been having lately to which I responded that I was really embarrassed over that too. What was I afraid of? Did I really need to lie? Was I afraid of getting written up? It doesn't sound like she would have, but even if she had, does that worth compromising my convictions and who I am in Christ? Oh, that sick feeling in my stomach...

So I went on a walk during my break to run to the Father. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. Remembering His blood was shed for all sin past and present... Reminding myself that faith in Him is what He is asking of me... So, I put my faith in Him again to free me from the condemnation of sin and all the guilt and shame that comes with it. After that I heard Him or His angels singing this song over me:

"He does not deal with you according to your sin..."

He does not deal with me according to my sin. I looked up Psalm 103 and read the whole thing with v. 7-14 being highlighted to me: 

He revealed his character to Moses
    and his deeds to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
    nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
    as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
    he remembers we are only dust.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of who You are and who I am in You. 

Julia Rae

We have all heard of writing letters to our future husbands or wives. Wondering... Pondering... Dreaming... Imagining... Hoping... Desiring... Praying... Believing in faith... Trusting.

What about letters to our future children? I've written a letter to my previous unborn child, Gloria, which was part of a process of healing from choosing to have an abortion. She was His beautiful treasure and will forever be present with Him. Thank you, Jesus.

Now I have the honor and privilege to write to my future children. Though a different season, I find myself at times filled with the same yearning, wondering, pondering, dreaming, imagining, hoping, desiring, praying, believing in faith, trusting... May the Lord bless Frank and I in due season. In the meantime, the Father seems to share tidbits of His heart with me for them and about them from time to time. Today was one of those special moments, and I wanted to remember it to be able to share with my future daughter, Julia Rae, when the right time rolls around to encourage her in her walk of faith.

Dearest Julia Rae,

A couple months ago, I felt the Lord asking me, "They are mine. Will you teach them about Me? Will you lead them to Me?" It was so heavy on my heart. He was asking whether or not I would teach you children and lead you to Himself since He was already sharing His jealousy for you. It was an exciting, yet fearful moment. All I could do as my heart raced was say, "Yes, Lord. Help me to do so. Help me to lead them to You and You alone. Yes. Yes Yes."

 On January 10, 2014, the Lord spoke to me specifically about YOU. I was working full-time at Wernersville State Hospital. It was the afternoon, and I was doing my normal routine of preparing two days' worth of tickets since it was Friday. In the midst of the normal day to day, He shared His heart and a piece of your future with me. Here's what I experienced, saw and heard.

Your dad and I apparently had been putting some money away as we were able to for your college fund. The day came when you decided that you did not want to go to college but wanted to take that money and sow into people's lives. You said, "I don't need to go to college to do what I really want to do in life which is to sow into people's lives like my mom and dad do."

I heard other people saying, "Don't let your parents brainwash you. Find out who you are. Use that money to invest in yourself and your education and future."

To which you boldly responded: "My parents didn't force me to choose this, nor did they brainwash me. They just simply led me to Him, and I freely choose to continue to follow Him as He leads me. I don't need to waste money to find out who I am. I know who I am. I am in Christ. I don't need to invest in myself when He has already invested all of Himself in me. He is my teacher, and my education is experiencing life with Him. And my future... He told me to set my eyes on His Kingdom and everything else would fall into place. He told me not to worry and to cast my cares on Him. My future is in Him, and that's exactly the way I want it to be."

Then I heard your dad say to a friend, "She's totally her mother's daughter."

That was the end of what I saw and heard. Later that day over a caramel flan latte on a date night with your dad at Starbucks, I delightfully expressed what the Lord showed me. I felt so honored to be your mother. I felt so proud that you stepped out in boldness to stand for what YOU wanted to stand for which was Christ and Christ alone. People may misunderstand you, but as long as your focus and hope are in Christ, "those who wait upon the Lord will never be ashamed." I look forward to seeing you grow and mature in His love and understanding. I don't want to live vicariously through you, so I pray that the Lord would continue to call you to Himself and have His way in you, precious one. You may seem timid at times, but you are passionate for your closest Friend and Coming King. His Spirit empowers you to do whatever He asks you to do. You are as gentle as a dove, but as bold as a lion. It's so cool that He knows every hair on your head, but even your whole life before you are even born. I get to pray over shortcomings and bumps along your journey as well as rejoice over you being more than a conqueror in Christ and decisions before I even see you! He's so neat!

It is time for your father and I to leave Starbucks because we need to go home and continue investing our time and efforts into a discouraged man of God and friend, helping him to lean on the Lord. You will do the same for many in the future.

We love you, and look forward to meeting you. :-)

Blessings,
Mom

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You. I follow you.

Who are you? You are the person, business, or brand name behind all of these things.

Question is, do you continue to lead me to these things or to Jesus?

When you have my attention, do you beckon for more of it, or beckon me to give it to Him? Am I talking more about you or Him?

Is my walk merely a shadow of yourself, or a shadow of Him? Do I bear your image, or do I bear His?

People may read my t-shirt, sticker, hat, slogans, websites, but am I a living epistle with His law written on my heart and in my mind?

Am I just following you, or am I actually following Him?

I’ve followed many a things, but in the end, I just want to follow Jesus. So that means I need to stop following people and everything above if I’m not following Jesus. Listen for the Holy Spirit guiding in and through. In doing so, I also want others to follow Jesus… Not me…

If you are talking more about me or my endeavors than Jesus, stop following me, and begin the journey of listening for the Bridegroom’s voice. May he lead you in all sorts of ways, and may the end result be:

You, Jesus. I follow You.

Will someone be there for me?

These thoughts were crossing my heart and mind while on a walk at work. I don't necessarily feel that I currently struggle with these thoughts, but I know the Lord shared it with me to encourage someone as well as reveal His heart to mine.

Do you ever think, "I feel like I'm there for people, but when I'm in need, will they be there for me?" I would give of my own or sell my possessions to provide for someone, which I have, but would others do the same for me?" Fear fills the heart. Fear of being in lack. Fear of being alone. Fear of being in need. Fear of not being connected to a community of believers that love to give, love to serve, love to love even when it's hard.

There are a lot of people in this world full of resources, so I can only imagine how someone in need feels when they are left to suffer despite the riches surrounding them: "No, sorry, we don't have room in this inn. Go somewhere else... No, sorry, there is not enough food for you... No, sorry, we do not serve your kind of people." Human beings are made to bear His image, but when we respond like this, the Father's heart is misrepresented and grieves. He is a generous God. He is a compassionate God. He knows the intentions of all peoples, but yet the sun falls on the righteous and the unrighteous. He clothes the lillies of the valley and feeds the birds of the air; so how much more will He provide for the people that are His co-heirs?

No matter your fears... No matter how people may mistreat you... No matter how much you give out and don't feel like it is returned to you... He is asking for us to be like Him... A generous Spirit and trusting in Him.

This is what he said in response to the fear of not being provided for by others if there was a time of need:

"Even if no one else sells their possessions to give to the poor [insert your name here], remember that I have already sold everything for you. You are the pearl of great price. I gave everything, bled and died for you. You will see all that is waiting for you."

He is an amazing, mysterious, beautiful, generous, loving, kind and patient God. Jesus, may we trust in Your character and and not fear.

More Than Just a Number

MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER

I am more than just a number in...

age

weight

size

tithe

titles

grades

school ID

personnel number

sports stats

white/caucasion ratio

missed days of school

number of relationships

man's sex conquest

abortion price

achievements
facebook friends

failures

degrees

church attendance

multi-tasking

driver's license

insurance policies

rental payments

bills bills bills

bank account

census count

taxpayer

credit score

population demographic

production percentages

I am more than just a number to be...

accepted
reached
hit
liked
graded

reviewed

studied

filed

surveyed

paid out

deposited

withdrawn

interviewed

managed

dismissed

lost

valued

priced

bought

stolen

used

robbed

deceived

misled

kept in bondage

I am a person: flesh, blood, soul and Spirit made in His image.

God says to me: "You are who you are because I Am Who I Am."

The only number I am defined by is the ONE and only, true God who we see in the face of Jesus.