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You. I follow you.

Who are you? You are the person, business, or brand name behind all of these things.

Question is, do you continue to lead me to these things or to Jesus?

When you have my attention, do you beckon for more of it, or beckon me to give it to Him? Am I talking more about you or Him?

Is my walk merely a shadow of yourself, or a shadow of Him? Do I bear your image, or do I bear His?

People may read my t-shirt, sticker, hat, slogans, websites, but am I a living epistle with His law written on my heart and in my mind?

Am I just following you, or am I actually following Him?

I’ve followed many a things, but in the end, I just want to follow Jesus. So that means I need to stop following people and everything above if I’m not following Jesus. Listen for the Holy Spirit guiding in and through. In doing so, I also want others to follow Jesus… Not me…

If you are talking more about me or my endeavors than Jesus, stop following me, and begin the journey of listening for the Bridegroom’s voice. May he lead you in all sorts of ways, and may the end result be:

You, Jesus. I follow You.

Will someone be there for me?

These thoughts were crossing my heart and mind while on a walk at work. I don't necessarily feel that I currently struggle with these thoughts, but I know the Lord shared it with me to encourage someone as well as reveal His heart to mine.

Do you ever think, "I feel like I'm there for people, but when I'm in need, will they be there for me?" I would give of my own or sell my possessions to provide for someone, which I have, but would others do the same for me?" Fear fills the heart. Fear of being in lack. Fear of being alone. Fear of being in need. Fear of not being connected to a community of believers that love to give, love to serve, love to love even when it's hard.

There are a lot of people in this world full of resources, so I can only imagine how someone in need feels when they are left to suffer despite the riches surrounding them: "No, sorry, we don't have room in this inn. Go somewhere else... No, sorry, there is not enough food for you... No, sorry, we do not serve your kind of people." Human beings are made to bear His image, but when we respond like this, the Father's heart is misrepresented and grieves. He is a generous God. He is a compassionate God. He knows the intentions of all peoples, but yet the sun falls on the righteous and the unrighteous. He clothes the lillies of the valley and feeds the birds of the air; so how much more will He provide for the people that are His co-heirs?

No matter your fears... No matter how people may mistreat you... No matter how much you give out and don't feel like it is returned to you... He is asking for us to be like Him... A generous Spirit and trusting in Him.

This is what he said in response to the fear of not being provided for by others if there was a time of need:

"Even if no one else sells their possessions to give to the poor [insert your name here], remember that I have already sold everything for you. You are the pearl of great price. I gave everything, bled and died for you. You will see all that is waiting for you."

He is an amazing, mysterious, beautiful, generous, loving, kind and patient God. Jesus, may we trust in Your character and and not fear.

More Than Just a Number

MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER

I am more than just a number in...

age

weight

size

tithe

titles

grades

school ID

personnel number

sports stats

white/caucasion ratio

missed days of school

number of relationships

man's sex conquest

abortion price

achievements
facebook friends

failures

degrees

church attendance

multi-tasking

driver's license

insurance policies

rental payments

bills bills bills

bank account

census count

taxpayer

credit score

population demographic

production percentages

I am more than just a number to be...

accepted
reached
hit
liked
graded

reviewed

studied

filed

surveyed

paid out

deposited

withdrawn

interviewed

managed

dismissed

lost

valued

priced

bought

stolen

used

robbed

deceived

misled

kept in bondage

I am a person: flesh, blood, soul and Spirit made in His image.

God says to me: "You are who you are because I Am Who I Am."

The only number I am defined by is the ONE and only, true God who we see in the face of Jesus.

The Return

Can you imagine returning to your husband and children after being involuntarily stripped away from them for years to be beaten, raped, lost, and alone, to seemingly have your dignity, integrity, purity, and life stolen all over again?

What would it be like for her to return to her husband once again? Will she try to cover up the pain, tears and insecurities as if nothing ever happened? Will her calloused heart hurt others? Will she ever be able to have sex again? Will she be disgusted with him because of his sexual tension in waiting for her? Will she carry the heavy weights of guilt and shame with her or let them go? Will she experience the joy and hope of love and trust in him ever again? Will she ever be able to shine again? Will she remain in fear or walk in confidence? Will she see herself as trash or something worth for more than rubies and gold? Will she ever feel clean, pure and holy again? Will she ever be free to be herself? Will she hate God or run to Him?

What would it be like for a husband to receive his wife once again? A woman he’s loved, a perfect gift and treasure, now ravaged by wolves called men. Will he see her as that perfect gift in the same light? Or will he see her as worthless as a car on its way to the junk yard? Will he try to change the subject when she begins to unfold? Will he blame her? Will he care for her? Will he manipulate her into sex with him because his sexual tension is too strong to wait while her wounds heal? Will he leave her? Will he trust her? Will he desire her as he used to? Will he become her worst enemy or her safe and peaceful place? Will he wash and cleanse her with the Word, or will he, too, beat her with it? Will he cherish and understand her? Will he hate God or run to Him?

How will her children see her? Will they believe the town’s tasteless stories that mommy is a whore, a slut, and a nobody? Will they stand proudly next to their mom or shrink back in embarrassment, simply just not knowing what to do? Will they voluntarily open themselves up to the world that chewed her up and spit her out? Will they see daddy rejecting or embracing her and follow in his footsteps? Will they hate God or run to Him?

Worship song that came to mind after writing this:

MISTY EDWARDS

Take My Heart lyrics

For a long time I have waited for You
You have won my heart
I am following

For a long time I've been crying out for You
Tears make my heart soft I am ready for
The return of the Lover, the return of the Lover

Fashioned from the very fabric of God
At the start of time, set free to decide
I will love You, You're the One who loved me first
Just one look from Your eye, I'm captivated by
The eyes of the Lover, the eyes of the Lover

Take my heart, my mind and strength too
I was made for loving You

I will wait
I'll be faithful
I was made for loving You

He Knows Us That We May Know Him

HE KNOWS US THAT WE MAY KNOW HIM

I have this deep desire to be known... By God... by others... and even by my own self. I want people to know the joys and the sorrows, ponderings and frustrations, and everything in between. Well, the more I read, pray and sit with the Lord, the more I am coming to see how much He does know me fully. I'm also coming to see how much He too has the same desire, even more deep and passionate than my own, to be known by us. I've been reading a few things lately that I have found fascinating and life giving along this journey He has me on to be known and know Him. So, I wanted to share with you.

Hebrew - yada

“The definition of the Hebrew word yada is “to know, to be known, to be deeply respected. What an amazing thing God thought about sex. That it is to be something that causes us to deeply know another. Without alluding directly to the physical act of sexuality, this word points to the deep emotional quenching I yearn for in the act of sex. I’m not alone. Almost every female I’ve spoken to about this admits she isn’t really yearning for a physical touch in her sexual encounters but is seeking a deep emotional caressing. We want to find our guy looking at and studying us. We want to hear our name whispered. We need him to listen to our words with all his heart. We want to ‘be known.’” (c)

Genesis 4:25 - "Adam lay [yada] with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth." (b)

Genesis 24:16 - "[Rebekah] was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever lain [yada] with her." (b)

Psalm 46:10 - "Be still, and know [yada] that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (b)

Psalm 139:1, 29 - "O Lord, you have searched me, and You know [yada] me... Search me, O God, and know [yada] my heart." (b)


Greek – ginosko 

• to learn to know, come to know, get a knowledge of perceive, feel
• to become known
• to know, understand, perceive, have knowledge ofto understand
• to know
• Jewish idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman
• to become acquainted with, to know (e)

“The Complete Word Study New Testament, by Greek scholar Spiro Zodhiates, defines the

ginosko as “to know experientially.” Interestingly, the same word “ginosko” is also

used for the word “know” in Luke 1:34, where the young virgin Mary informs the angel

Gabriel that she has never “known” a man in the sexual sense. In other words, the use of

this word “ginosko” in John 17:3 describes a very personal way of knowing a person.

Obviously, it is not in referring to knowing Jesus in a sexual sense, but it is definitely in an

intimate sense, and much more than just a general knowledge.” (d)


“While studying God’s word is something all Christians are called to do, knowing Jesus and

receiving eternal life does not come through intellectual assent alone, or even through Bible

studies. Jesus calls us to place our faith in him alone and to trust that what he did on the

cross is totally sufficient to save us. The Bible also assures us that we can know for certain 

that we know Him. Consider Romans 8:16-17, which says, “The Spirit himself testifies with 

our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow

heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.”

His spirit testifies with our spirit to assure us that we know him personally, not just with

head knowledge or intellectual knowledge gained through numerous Bible studies.” (d)


Luke 1:30-35 - Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”

Then Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?”

And the angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you; therefore, also, that Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God. (b)

John 17:3 - “And this is eternal life, that they may know [ginosko] You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” (b)


How beautiful is that?!! Jesus desires an intimate, mutual respect and honor between a man and woman in coming together in a relationship and sex to point us to the oneness He wants with us. So many times in John 14-17, Jesus discusses His desire for us to know Him and the Father, to be with Him where He is, for the same love in Him to be in us, to abide in Him as He abides in us... Elsewhere in Colossians it talks about "...Christ in us, the hope of glory." He knew us before we were ever created by Him. He knew Adam and walked with Him in the garden.

I truly believe the Lord is out to convince us how much He loves us, knows us, wants us to know Him and be with Him. He's made a way through Himself for us to be together once again. He knows us that we may know Him.

Do you want to know [yada/ginosko] Him?


Sources:

a) Him

b) The Bible

c) What Are You Waiting For? by Dannah Gresh – p.17, 23-25

d) http://www.newlightministries.com/Can_We_Really_Know_God.html

e) http://www.biblestudytools.com/lexicons/greek/nas/ginosko.html

Her

Fly by the seat, adventurous. Dreaming and goal setting, driven and accomplished. Outgoing and down to earth, striking up conversation with everyone. Liked and loved by family, friends, co-workers, new comers, old comers, kids, and adults. Community builder, long lasting friendships. Pretty hair, pretty skin. Coffee lover. Dancer. Writer. Organized. Baker. Cook. Gardener. Youthful beauty. Confident. Confidant. Trustworthy. Transparent. Motherly, nurturing, guiding. Womanly, becoming. Fashionable, tasteful, modest. Healthy. Fruitful. Lovely. Well-spoken. Holding on to the Truth. Holding on to promises. Moving in grace and sharing His grace and mercy. Fearless even when fearful or nervous. World Class traveler. Following in His footsteps. Connected to the vine. Provision in the need. Strength in the weakness. Favor with man and favor with God. Power in the prayers. Heart and song like David's. Worship like Mary of Bethany. Faith like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Leadership like Moses and Deborah. Courage like Esther. Encouragement like Barnabas. Correction and discernment like Paul. Humility and joy in the midst of the suffering like Jesus. Holy as He is holy. Imperfect yet perfect as He is perfect because of His Spirit.

Would you just stop being so wonderful for one second?! Go ahead and live in my dreams too while you're at it! 

She is the person I know I have always wanted to be but could never seem to be. Her.

One of the quotes I coined and motto's I strived to live by growing up was, "If you ever dream to be someone, dream to be yourself, even if that makes you a weirdo." Why? Because being yourself is the hardest person to be. It is the road less traveled, less desired, because it is molding, changing, unique and inescapable. Unfortunately, I veered off the "being myself" trail, afraid to charter new ground. Let's face it: being myself feels lonely, out of date, mistaken, misunderstood, misread, missed altogether, left behind, overlooked, unheard, forgotten, broken, imperfect, incapable, just simply unfathomable. Who am I really anyways? Instead, I have desired to follow other people's paths, as if I could actually wear their shoes while the person is still wearing them. It's interesting that while others have struggled with this, I have never wanted to be a movie star, catalog or runway model, or some other celebrity. That seemed too far fetched to me. I've only ever wanted to be friends of mine. So, up above I'm not describing a profile of myself. That wasn't someone's expose of their perspective of me. This was my view of women I know near and dear to me. Does that make it any better? Maybe it is because I have gotten to know them and have seen true beauty in them through those relationships. I've seen treasure in their earthen vessels. But then at times it makes me feel like a bad person or friend.

From Permission is Granted to do Church Differently in the 21st Century by Graham Cooke and Gary Goodell:

"Through the prophetic side of my ministry, I have had hundreds of contact with people who were very negative toward me because they were under the illusion that I could see right through them. Actually, I prefer to see the good in people. No one can hide his or her rubbish for too long though; truth will always come out. A prophet looks for the treasure in the earthen vessel and brings it to the surface. We are on a treasure hunt, seeing people with the eyes of the Lord Jesus--the kindest person I have ever known. God always speaks to our potential..." (33)

God has given other people eyes to see treasure within me, speaking words like "faithful" or "heart of gold." Though God has given me eyes to see people at times, why has it been such a struggle for me to see the treasure within THIS earthen vessel? Am I just simply covering my eyes with a bandana thinking I'll be able to see the light through old, dark understanding?

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us." (2 Corinthians 4:6-7)

Whether a celebrity or a friend, they are all men and women, and the principle and outcome are the same. This is what I have learned: Jealousy is an ugly state of being that has left me at times blind, empty, dry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, rough, gruff, ugly, disheartened, disillusioned, and dismayed. Who wants to settle for that? Ugh! Not me, but it has been a reality for me at times in the way I've thought, felt and believed. I'm not talking about years ago. I'm talking about last week! So, all of this is me processing through that. It robs me/you of the true joy of life; a life that no one else can live because He gave it to me/you as a gift. True joy in life is trust and contentment in an everlasting, Creator and Redeemer God. He loved me more than enough to die and raise, and has even shone His light in my heart. He thought it important and worth it enough to have me be a part of His family. The only thing that makes anyone anything special is Him and Him alone, otherwise we're nothing. So if He is in them and also in me, how can I so willingly accept His righteousness in them and not myself? Will He see it any differently? I know I won't struggle with this forever even if in the moment, it feels that way. But, no matter how long it takes me to "get it," may I continue to lay down my jealousies and envy, repent and be cleansed by His truth, confess and ask for prayer and help, and let my hope continue to rest in Him.

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. (1 John 3:2-3)

Preparing to be a Mother

What to Expect When You're Expecting

"Finally in this edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting continues the tradition of cheering expectant parents on as they venture off to face this life-changing experience, providing them with the inspiration that they 'can do it.'

Miracles happen--best wishes on yours."
-- Richard Aubry, M.D., M.P.H.

This is a whole new step in this life's journey: Preparing for Motherhood. No, I am not pregnant yet, but I am starting to get mommy desires. So, my mommy friends, Gyno, and Birthing Center all suggested some reading material, especially this book. I figured that would be a great addition. The best place to start, though, is at the very beginning. The question then is, "Who is the beginning?" God is the beginning of all things, knows all things, and understands this process, who I am, my husband, and our future children together better than I ever could. That is where we decided to start--in the Word, in prayer, in dreams, in words of knowledge, etc. 

We are made in His likeness (Genesis).

Children are a heritage of the Lord. 

Ps. 127 127 

Unless the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the Lord guards the city,
The watchman stays awake in vain.
² It is vain for you to rise up early,
To sit up late,
To eat the bread of sorrows;
For so He gives His beloved sleep.

³ Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
⁵ Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

Ps. 128 128 

Blessed is every one who fears the Lord,
Who walks in His ways.

² When you eat the labor of your hands,
You shall be happy, and it shall be well with you.
³ Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
In the very heart of your house,
Your children like olive plants
All around your table.
⁴ Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
Who fears the Lord.

⁵ The Lord bless you out of Zion,
And may you see the good of Jerusalem
All the days of your life.
⁶ Yes, may you see your children’s children.

Peace be upon Israel!

Four children (as far as we know of right now) will be entrusted to us. 

1) Julia Rae (Jules, Rae Rae)

2) Timothy Lee (Tim)

3) Catalina Marie (Cat)

4) Antonio Stefan (Tony)
5) June Jolie (little June bug)

All Noviello's, of course. ;-)

So, I will certainly continue reading, continue researching, visiting places, asking experienced and inexperienced mothers questions. Stay tuned for future mommy preparation posts.

What's your advice?

A Runner's Progression

So the other morning my husband and I went running in the morning before work. It started off as a light mist but quickly turned into an open heaven raining down heavy drops of grace rain. By the end of the run I felt so alive and was so glad we ran. It certainly did not start off that way.

Many would consider me in great shape and even an experienced runner due to the many years I have run track events, other sports as well as leisure running and exercising. Despite all of that, lately, I have been "out of commission." "Why should I even be bothered with this?" I wondered. So, I started off tired not even wanting to be bothered with getting out of bed right into physical exertion. I kept doing the motions necessary, clothes, sneakers, drinking water, stretching, opening the front door, and then taking that first step.

I began questioning, "What's the point of even doing this if it's going to be such a hassle?" Despite feeling this way, I kept running, focusing on my breathing to work those lung muscles again. My strides began to open up into a fluid motion.

Then, I hit the hill... "Can I make it over this? Will I have to stop? I probably should just quit." I asked for strength. I made it over the hill. The endorphins kicked in, and the wind blew me to the end.

Crossing the finish line makes the whole tiredness, questioning, wrestling, pushing, enduring WORTH IT ALL.

It's the same with our walk with the Lord. We are in a race, and whether we choose to quit before the end or not is the question. Crossing that finish line in faith with the Lord makes everything we've experienced in pain, trials, attacks, leaving relationships, letting the world go, I believe in FAITH is all worth it because HE IS WORTH IT. Jesus already accomplished the hardest part and gives us everything we need to endure and persevere through whatever we may face from the mole hill to the mountains. Walking or running, will you cross the finish line in faith?

If you don't want to trust me, trust HIM, because it will be worth more than you could ever think or imagine.

How are you?

"How are you?" + listening ears + time = beautiful equation.

A short, generic, yet profoundly compassionate and loving question. It looks at the person eye to eye, face to face without distraction, interruption, or alternative motives. It seeks to uncover the internal workings of a person rather than focusing on the external demands and activities of life. Just plain and simple.

Or is it?

How easy it was for me to ask every other question I could ever ponder or conjure up to engage a close friend of mine. I asked about her roommate, thinking she had involvement with her birthday plans. I asked about her church's running fundraising event, thinking she was volunteering to help them that day. I asked about her family's holiday traditions for easter and if she had any plans. I asked about her conversations with a someone she recently befriended. Yet, I had ultimately failed to engage HER by asking, "How are you?"

I certainly learned of all the things she was doing, but I was missing out on learning more about who she was in that moment, what she was feeling, thinking, etc. So, thankfully, I apologized, and had the opportunity to redeem the moment to hear her heart.

The next day I found myself in the midst of a group of people I also dearly love and care about. We had our agenda but initially there was food and conversation. Everything inside of me was just waiting, hoping in full assurance that someone would ask me, "How are you, Becky?" and have all the true thoughts and feelings within me pour out. Then I would share about a recent "bump in the road" with my job transitioning. Things I look forward to sharing with people with whom I'm in community. Yet, just as my friend sat waiting for me to ask the question, I, too, sat waiting, feeling lonely, undesired, empty but full of everything I wished I could share. That short, generic question makes all the difference in the world.

My question now for you is simple: How are you?

Journey into the Deep

Some time ago I was encouraged to write a book or at least start writing more often. I used to journal ALL the time. Journaling seemed to be easy at first until I put expectations upon myself. Other times my journaling didn't have so much to do with my own thoughts or observations, but just notes of what God and others said that I found profound. Writing scares me. It's a blank canvas where anything can happen. Freedom at its finest. The only boundaries are the document margins from the left to right to top to bottom which are endless. No one can tell me what to say, how to say, how to act, except of course, me, which is generally my hardest obstacle. Emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, desires, frustrations... Everything deep within has the freedom to come forth into view, reflection, examination, and even scrutinization for all to see. More importantly, it allows the writer, me, to see for herself who she is from the inside out, rejoicing and facing the fears. I usually get choked up, mental blocks when I go to write. There's so much to process and share, though. I hope to avoid Christianese, scholastic lingo, and cliche phrases, unless of course I'm pondering and want to expound, with hopes that the real me, real thoughts, real relationship, real life experiences, real God and real love come forth, in all our beauty in the midst of the messiness of free will choices for both good and bad. I hope to step out in courage to not avoid controversial topics, share frustrations and differences from a place of humility. I hope to not come across as a know-it-all; if so, let me know! Feel free to challenge, question, comment, reflect, investigate, share your own experiences whether similar or different, whether you agree or disagree. This is not exclusive.

So, here I go, off on a Journey into the Deep. Lord, help me.